yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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