I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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