I think I died a long time ago.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
