I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize