I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
