dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
