Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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