He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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