best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
