I seem to have left my pride at pride
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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