Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
