clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
