I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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