if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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