Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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