The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
