I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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