I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize