yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
