So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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