If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize