he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
