sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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