Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
