Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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