So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
