i think my mom watched the whole time
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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