dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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