i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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