Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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