Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
