How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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