someone threw a dead crab at me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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