he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
