anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize