I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
