Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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