He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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