my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
