you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
