saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
