He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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