Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
