I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
