I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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