i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
