Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
