WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
