2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
