my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize