So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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