I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she peed on how many people?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
