Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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