i don't like sucking hair
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize