Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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