M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
