i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
