Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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