My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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