We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
