o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
