went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
